Damaged Indemnity  Anticipation Universe
by spagtscully
Summary: Pairings: Tosh/Mary, Jack/Ianto - Tosh POV     "I had no idea that I could disappoint Jack so much, but I would figure it out in the end. I understood now how Ianto had felt after what happened with Lisa. I only hope that Jack could forgive me someday."
1. Chapter 1 – Maybe This Time

_**Title**_: _Damaged Indemnity – Chapter 1 (Anticipation Universe)_  
><em><strong>Author:<strong>__ Jaybird023  
><em>_**Genre:**__ light fem-slash, light slash, Angst, UST, seduction.  
><em>_**Rating:**__ M  
><em>_**Pairings:**__ Tosh/Mary, Jack/Ianto  
><em>_**Summary:**__ I had no idea how I ended up disappointing Jack so much, but I would figure it out in the end. I finally understood how Ianto had felt after everything that happened with Lisa. I could only hope that Jack would understand someday as well. - _Tosh POV story - _Some of this reiterates or goes over what happened in Anticipation from a completely different perspective.  
><em>_**Status:**__ WIP  
><em>_**Word Count for this chapter: **__5915_

_Authors Note:__ So, first no I did not fall off the edge of the world or forget about the continuation of the story. Instead of going into details I'll just say that I had a few RL issues that kind of took over my life. However, I'm somewhat back on track. I can't guarantee update times but I'm pretty sure it won't take months between. Can't guarantee anything though...lol. This story should have anywhere form 3-7 chapters only. After that we'll get to the sequel Entropy.  
><em>

_Thanks go to MamaRocks, as per normal (grin) for the Beta job. She really has no idea how much she helps make all my writing __**so**__ much better!_

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><p>Chapter 1 – Maybe This Time<p>

I'm _**normally**_ pretty adept at seeing things that others don't.

Don't get me wrong...I had absolutely no idea that Suzie was a nutter or that Gwen and Owen had snogged at some point.

No, the things I see would be classified more in the "so bloody obvious that the lot of you are blinded to the truth" category.

This isn't exactly a talent in my mind, but that could be because I only noticed it for the first time about five years ago, when Captain Jack Harkness came into my world and offered me a compromise. I could come and work for him at Torchwood as his technical advisor, or I could spend the rest of my life in prison, never to see or talk to my family ever again. To be completely truthful, I might have turned him down, considering that I had no idea what the offer _**really**_ entailed. After all, when I'd asked him about my family, he'd sounded so cold and calculated. However, when he spoke about that bloody Sonic Modulator something about his voice and the animation I saw on his face, fascinated me.

It could have been because of the total sensory deprivation I'd lived through for months in that tiny cell, but I was stunned at how someone could put so much emotion into a discussion about something inanimate and ignore the more basic of human emotions. In that one conversation, I was left more confused and bewildered then I'd ever been before.

I mean, I may love computers, but my family and friends will _**always**_ come first in my life.

Despite that disturbing first meeting, I never once regretted taking the job. Not only did I get out of that horrid cell, but I also got more freedom than I ever imagined. Jack even arranged for me to see my family on several occasions before the allotted time that UNIT demanded I remain in seclusion. Considering how he'd reacted when I first mentioned them as he sat across from me at that small table **that** had been a complete surprise.

It took me a long time to figure out that Jack really did care about people more than he did about what they could do for him. He tried to cover it up with callous disregard, but every now and then something would slip and I would see how complicated he really was. Ironically enough, even though I saw these deeply hidden aspects of Jack, it still took me nearly two years to actually realise that he lived in the Hub.

By the time I had figured out those small slivers of information about Jack, Owen was with us. Despite the fact that I spent an inordinate amount of brain power trying to understand my boss, I found myself drawn to the new medic. He was in so much emotional pain that it _**literally**_ showed in every movement he made. I knew without a shred of doubt that Owen had lost someone close to him and that he was still suffering from that loss. What was odd was that as much as I was dying to know about Owen, I found I couldn't pry into his life prior to Torchwood. I hoped that he would come to be my friend and tell me about it when he was ready.

As for Suzie, well I'll be honest and say that it didn't occur to me to try to understand her. She was so ingrained, such a part of the woodwork, that I rarely noticed her unless she was missing. Considering she left work about as much as Jack seemed to, it wasn't often. I really don't think she started out as a nutter, but for all I know, she could have lost her mind the moment she started working at Torchwood.

I guess we'll never really know...

Anyway, for the longest time we did nothing but work in the Hub and take care of every rift alert that came along. It became almost monotonous without any of us even realising it was heading in that direction. I think by the time Ianto came around not one of us knew exactly how much of a change we actually needed.

I hadn't been remotely surprised when Jack hired the young man. I do remember being surprised when he'd shown up with a weevil thrown over his shoulder and demanding I look up information on one Ianto Jones, former employee of Torchwood One. When he'd stalked back up from the Vault after dropping off the weevil, he was already demanding a report from me. I very nearly fell out of my chair in shock. He had a hint of suspicion in his expression, but the main emotion I saw was more fascination than anything else. Considering the fact that I had seen nothing but stoicism, except on those rare occasions he had slipped up, I was just as curious to find out whatever I could, just to see where this was leading.

The facts that I pulled up on Ianto was not nearly as comprehensive as one might have expected coming from another Torchwood facility. Jack was avid about keeping all things documented and filed appropriately. He'd stated on many occasions that just because the archives were a wreck, didn't mean we couldn't keep the most recent information accurate and accessible at all times. Our employee files were the ones kept most up to date, with only Jack and Suzie having access to delete or edit the records. Ianto's file was nearly nonexistent, containing very little detail about what training he had imbued with Torchwood and his grades throughout school, as well as what little family he had. It was almost as if Torchwood had been deliberately trying to hide facts about him.

When I presented what little information I had to Jack, he'd actually looked frustrated, surprising me with yet another expression I wasn't used to seeing. Even when the rift was acting up more than normal, he'd never let his irritation or exhaustion show in the entire time I'd worked for him.

"That's it? Seriously?"

Jack stood up and dropped the file folder with a resounding smack as it hit the wood. The few sheets of paper I had printed spilled out across the surface as he began to practically pace back and forth behind his desk. I could barely contain my shock at his reaction, only remembering to snap my mouth shut when Jack suddenly glared towards me fleetingly.

"His school records? Dead parents and a sister who he barely talks to? A girlfriend who also worked for Torchwood? What the fuck is that supposed to tell me? There's not even a photograph in there to prove that he's the same God damn person!"

His last words were nearly shouted and I flinched away from him unintentionally. Jack must've seen the movement from the corner of his eye because he stopped pacing suddenly and dropped back down into his chair, placing his face in his palms as he struggled to regain his composure. When he looked up at me again, his expression was the familiar impassiveness that I was accustomed to. It took every bit of restraint I had in my body to stop from laughing. It was almost enjoyable to see him becoming this unravelled.

All over some young man who knew just a little too much about weevils.

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><p>After a few more hours, I was able to find a little bit more data, but it was still meagre compared to what we were used to. I think it took me yawning several times for Jack to even realise how long I'd been searching for information and how late it had actually gotten. As I was walking out the door I saw him slide into my workstation and start typing. Apparently he still wasn't satisfied with my prior results, but I was too bloody tired to stick around any longer.<p>

When I arrived the next morning, the rift alarm was just going off again. Jack was rushing out the main entrance. He didn't say much to me so I pulled up the CCTV and was amused to see a young man standing outside the tourist office, holding a cup. From what I could gather by the way Jack paused when he saw him, I knew it had to be the elusive Ianto Jones. I was completely shocked when I saw Jack reach out and take the cup from the young man, barely hesitating before drinking from it. He handed the cup back with a stunned look on his face...

...once again shocking _**me**_!

As I watched their brief contact, I opened my eyes wide in astonishment. If I didn't know any better, I would almost swear that Jack was flirting with him. It was extremely subtle, especially for Jack who barely knew what the word meant, much less how to pull it off.

Next thing I knew Jack showed up later that night with an unconscious pterodactyl (I wasn't to learn until later that it was actually a pteranodon). I wasn't all that surprised to find out Ianto would be working for us soon. Jack tried to say it nonchalantly, like it was no big deal, but he actually made me smile to myself. It was strange hearing a hint of something new in his voice, like a thread of humanity that had slipped through without him even realising it.

Pathetic really in how bloody obvious he was, I know.

It didn't take long for me to realise that something was going on between the two of them. Of course, it didn't help that I walked in on them a couple of months later when I'd returned to the Hub to pick up something I'd forgotten. At this point I honestly couldn't even tell you what it was. All I know is I walked in from the back entrance (pretty certain Jack doesn't even know I know about that) and felt my jaw drop open.

Ianto was perched on the edge of Jack's desk with said man snogging him as if his life depended on it whilst they were grinding heavily against each other. I swear it was one of the hottest things I've ever seen in my entire life. I've never seen two men kiss who could take my breath away with just the passion of the moment. When Ianto pulled away and threw his head back, obviously in the throes of an orgasm, I very nearly moaned aloud myself, just barely muffling it in time. I took a chance while Jack was steadying Ianto to slip quietly back out the way I came in, feeling incredibly fortunate that I got out of there before they saw me.

From what I'd seen I wasn't quite sure if they were shagging yet, but even to the rest of the team the unresolved sexual tension between the two men was practically palpable after a while. Hanging in the air so heavily that all of us were beginning to take bets on when they would do the deed for real and if we'd even be able to tell.

Of course, that's when everything started to fall apart.

First it was Gwen sending Suzie to be the queen of Psycho-land...

...Okay, so I'll admit Suzie was already a nutter with all the murders she'd committed, but Gwen being nosy and butting in where she wasn't needed certainly didn't help. The only thing that Gwen's presence managed to do was push Suzie completely over the edge that she was already precariously teetering on.

So, of course, Jack offers her a bloody job to replace Suzie. I'm just grateful he didn't put her as second in command like Suzie was, otherwise I might've had a hard time listening to _**anything**_ she said. As it was, I was hesitant to trust Gwen in the beginning. Owen stared at her like a dog in heat, which annoyed me to no end. But it was the way she looked at Jack that bugged me the most. It was sort of creepy, almost as if she worshiped him. On top of that, her knowledge on things was so sparse that we had to train her on practically everything. She couldn't get past UNIT without Jack's help, kept referring to Torchwood as if we were breaking some type of law because we had access to things she didn't have as a P.C., and misread Owen's natural sarcasm as him teasing her which led to her setting loose an orgasmic killing cloud. Then to top it all off, she tried to insist that she would solve what was now the _**entire **_teams problem _**on her own**_.

By that point, if I hadn't already seen the proof, I wouldn't have been surprised if she didn't even know how to drive.

But I digress...

After Suzie _**literally**_ tripped over the edge and just as we started to recover, we find out about Ianto and his bloody cyber girlfriend in the lower level. I've never seen Ianto with such a vulnerable look...or so livid that he was willing to take a swing at Jack.

Something I still can't believe happened...

In spite of everything, I think if I hadn't noticed how hurt Jack was over the situation, I may have just retreated into myself. It seemed like the thing to do, go completely numb and stop seeing our team as a family. After all, when you realise the man you're in love with doesn't notice you, there's a new team member that you don't trust, and your boss is a reclusive man who has a tendency to hide his humanity (that is, until a certain young man came around to bring it out of him), it made more sense than anything had in a very long time. I ended up centring my concentration on Jack and Ianto just to get myself through it.

I learned a long time ago that it was always easier to focus on the problems that others are having instead of your own. When you have to focus on your own problems, life gets too complicated.

As I said earlier, I'd known for quite a while that Jack and Ianto had something going on behind closed doors. Just the look on Ianto's face when I handed him his tie that morning I found it on my desk told me things had progressed further then what I'd walked in on previously. I don't know if they were _**actually**_ shagging by the time that Ianto's secret came out, but I do know that Jack was having a hard time getting over the fact that Ianto had betrayed him.

In his own twisted way, he was taking out his frustration about that betrayal by sniping and yelling at everyone on the team. Between his attitude and his reluctance to fire as well as Retcon Ianto, I was fairly certain that even he wasn't aware of how deeply he was already entrenched. For Jack, from what I know about him, he was actually falling in love with Ianto, even if he wasn't exactly aware of it.

Given the circumstances, convincing him to go over to Ianto's was much easier than it would have been if I hadn't paid such close attention in the past few months. Even if Jack _**wasn't**_ falling for him, my reasons were sound enough for him to give Ianto another chance...

My words were just the life preserver that Jack needed to grab a hold of. I know that _**now**_.

* * *

><p>When I arrived at work the day after our talk Jack's mood had definitely improved. I smiled to myself before logging onto my computer, grateful for any chance to keep from focussing on my own life. Jack was humming and singing softly under his breath as he wrote out a note and taped it gently to Ianto's coffee machine, essentially telling everyone that Ianto was coming back by stating not to touch the damn thing. It took every bit of restraint I had to not burst out laughing when he walked by Gwen's station and patted her on the head like she was a damn puppy.<p>

Later, when he pulled all three of us into his office, he explained that Ianto would be staying and that no one was to Retcon him. I just nodded my head in assent, but I could tell that Owen was pissed off, and Gwen just seemed confused. I don't know if it was the fact that Ianto was staying, the pat on the head from earlier, or the fact that Jack wasn't flirting with her like normal, but she was definitely _**not**_ happy.

However, as the days began to pass by, the more confused I became.

Instead of holding onto his great mood, he began to withdraw again. Jack started acting even more reclusive than normal. He'd taken to actually brooding whilst sitting silently in his office and not even bothering to glance around to make sure anyone was actually doing their jobs. When Gwen tried to go into his office to talk to him, he pretty much just gave her an order and sent her back out.

Okay, so it was a _**little**_ amusing to see her lost puppy expression directed at Jack when she walked out, especially after what had happened barely a week before with the pat on the head, but still nonetheless odd. It was quite apparent to _**me**_ that Jack had not been back to Ianto's since the first night that I'd convinced him to go there.

Of course, that's when things began to fall apart again.

On the plus side, it wasn't the life shattering destruction that had been happening so often as of late. It was gradual, which if I hadn't already noticed Jack's odd behaviour I might have actually been mildly surprised.

It started with a phone call from Ianto, asking if I minded stopping by his loft and dropping off a box full of things that he'd left in reception. I agreed, a little puzzled at why he hadn't just called Jack. It didn't take long to come to the conclusion that he still wasn't all that certain about Jack's intentions. I couldn't help but feel that maybe he was just looking for someone to talk to. Maybe it was the fact that I had brought him coffee on his one day back, or maybe_** I**_ was just the lesser of the three evils left on the team other than Jack.

About an hour before Jack normally came out to tell us to go home when the rift was being quiet (which it was), I stepped into his office to ask him if I could leave a little early to go by Ianto's. From the moment I said Ianto's name, Jack sat up and stared at me with a suspicious look on his face.

"Why? You're not going to try to Retcon him are you, because I thought I explained to all of you that..."

"Jack," I said softly interrupting what was beginning to sound like the start of a tirade, "I was the one who talked _**you**_ out of Retconning him in the first place. Remember? He just needs a box of stuff that he left up in reception and asked me to bring it to him."

I had no idea that Jack's lips could press that thin together. Either he was about to get really mad, or he was about to say something he might regret later. Whatever the circumstances, I had to stop him before he got started.

Still, I hesitated a moment before progressing on with what I wanted to say. For some reason I knew it was going to hurt him and I was loathe to do that. However he had avoided visiting Ianto, so the spot he was in was basically his own fault. That _**alone**_ gave me the courage to continue.

"Jack...I think what he needs right now, more than anything, is a _**friend**_. We both know Owen's certainly not going to go there and he barely knows Gwen. It's not enough..."

My voice trailed away when Jack opened his mouth, perhaps in an attempt to tell me that I didn't know what Ianto needed. However, now that I knew I was right, I wasn't about to let him deter me from what my mind was insisting was the truth. When I spoke next, it was in a voice so low that I knew only he would hear, despite the fact that Gwen was staring avidly at us (almost hatefully), and Owen was leaning closer towards Jack's office in an obvious attempt to eavesdrop (which if he moved _**any**_ farther back he was going to fall out of his bloody chair).

"What you have to offer is not enough. He needs a _**friend**_ right now Jack...and you _**can't**_ give that to him. You're still struggling against how much he hurt you by hiding who he is. It didn't matter nearly as much to everyone else because you were the one that let him get close to your heart, perhaps closer than anyone's been in a very long time."

Jack looked up at me in shock, but I didn't let that prevent from me continuing...even if I was about to hit him below the belt.

He'd been so in control, so stoic for such a long time, that I had to make him realise some things were now above and beyond what had become his comfort level for who knows how long. Especially considering the rumours that still persisted that he couldn't die.

"Jack, I told you a week ago that I found some of the CCTV that you'd missed and deleted it. What I didn't tell you was that I saved copies of them to _**your**_ computer only. I also copied all of the ones _**you**_ saved and moved them to the same place so that they would be a little more secure. They're in an easy to find folder, under a protection that only me or Ianto could possibly crack, but I think you'll be able to guess the password without too much effort. When you _**do**_ get the folder open, watch both of your expressions in some of the less seductive videos. It may actually give you quite a few of the answers that you seem to be looking for."

Suddenly, I was having a hard time looking him in the eyes after those words had slipped out so casually. I don't think he'd realised I'd _**actually**_ watched all the CCTV of them. I wanted to defend myself, maybe tell him that I simply watched them because I needed to make sure what to delete, but I couldn't do it.

_**Especially**_ when I knew it was an incredibly substantial falsehood.

Don't get me wrong, I felt a little guilty about it. However, I don't know anyone who wouldn't get caught up with them in those moments. Anyone with a pulse would end up watching Jack and Ianto and find it interesting, particularly considering what they hell they looked like together.

Instead of saying anything else, I turned away and left, grabbing the box that Ianto needed before heading over to his loft. I wasn't ready to face Jack's inquisition when he actually did realise what I'd just let slip.

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><p>When I got to Ianto's I was a little surprised to find him acting overtly normal as he threw open the door and smiled shyly at me. For some reason, this actually worried me more than the smile. He was acting entirely too happy after the hell he'd gone through less than a mere fortnight ago and there was no way this was healthy healing. It was avoidance, plain and simple. I handed him the box he'd asked for, trying not to show my confusion at his behaviour, but knowing I'd failed when I tilted my head to the side. Just as I was about to ask him how he was doing, a heavenly scent of food drifted out of his loft to tickle at my senses.<p>

"Ianto, what is that? Are you _**actually**_ cooking food or is it something you picked up?"

"I'm sorry, I lost track of time Tosh. I'm just making some Teifiside Chicken, croquette potatoes, and fried courgettes. I was hoping you'd join me for supper since you were actually willing to bring me the box. I just wasn't expecting you this early. I also wasn't sure if you'd be able to get away in time…" Ianto smiled softly at me as his voice trailed away, obviously in embarrassment.

I wasn't quite sure what he was embarrassed about since the smell coming from his kitchen was damn near enough to make me physically drool. As much as I hated to admit it, even within the small amount of time that Ianto had been working there, we'd gotten so used to having him around to make sure that we had regular meals. When he wasn't at the office, sometimes we'd forget to call out for them and we'd end up just eating some of the snack foods from the kitchen. Of course, eating nothing but junk food all day could not compare to an actual home cooked meal.

After placing the box I handed him carefully on top of a stack of other boxes, Ianto motioned for me to follow him into the kitchen. The smell wafting from the room was entirely too tempting for me to pass up so I shut the front door behind me and trailed after him.

It was obvious that Ianto was still in the middle of cooking, so I sat down at his table to watch and wait for him. It didn't take him long to quietly set down a cup of coffee in front of me, leaving me to raise my eyebrows in amazement. Even though I hadn't asked and he'd been focussing on cooking, he'd still managed to make me a cup without me even realising what he was doing.

What was eerie was the fact that Ianto hadn't said a word since he'd met me at the door. The silence was almost becoming uncomfortable. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, Ianto turned towards me and chuckled under his breath.

"Sorry Tosh, I guess I just got too used to not talking around everyone. Either that or I'm just not used to having visitors."

He smiled at me again, but this time I could tell it was slightly forced. Instead of acknowledging the issues I could see building behind his expression I diverted him as abruptly as possible.

"Why hasn't your sister come to visit you?"

I didn't mean to pry..._**really**_, I hadn't meant it in the least. I was originally hoping that he would open up to me when he chose to do so. Instead I guess I forced it right out into the open. I watched him as his mouth opened and closed almost comically for a moment, biting back my laughter the split second I realised that this might be just as bad of a subject as Jack would be.

Ianto's mouth stopped stuttering and he turned back to his oven, twisting a few of the knobs. I had no idea what he was doing but was amazed when he grabbed another cup of coffee and came to sit down across from me. When he finally looked into my eyes, I was surprised to see that he was actually more confused and angry than anything else. He also had tears in his eyes, which threw me off considering that the last time I had seen him even close to looking like this was right before he'd punched Jack.

"I...er...I haven't actually let Rhiannon or Johnny know I was back in Cardiff. Technically I wasn't supposed to still be here...so..." Ianto's voice drifted off softly as his eyes shifted back towards the stove, staring at it almost incomprehensively.

Without thinking I reached out, grasping and squeezing his hand lightly. His gaze snapped towards the touch and I could feel him fighting against the urge to just yank his own hand away. I held tight to it, knowing that if I let go, I was going to lose whatever connection had started between us. He almost seemed to be in a completely different world.

"Ianto...it's time," I spoke as softly as possible, still trying to hold onto what I knew was a tentative emotional state he was finally letting me see, "I think you need to realise that Lisa_** isn't**_ coming back. Please call Rhiannon. I know she'll be there for you...she _**has**_ to. If they truly care about you and you have nowhere else to turn, you can always depend on your family. Home is the place where when you go there, they have to take you in. You've heard that before right?"

Ianto nodded lightly a sardonic chuckle escaping his lips as he stared at me with a look of aggravation. Just as he opened his lips to respond, maybe actually tell me something about himself that I didn't already know, a loud harsh buzzing sound began to fill the room.

Ianto jumped up and turned away before walking towards his oven and flicking off the timer and pulling out each carefully wrapped dish. When he turned back towards me, his mask had fallen back into place. It was an expression I knew well by now. Unfortunately the last time I'd seen it was when I'd dropped off a coffee for him the morning after Lisa died. While he was dishing out the food in front of me, I stared at him. I knew I had to break through his facade again, I just didn't know how to do it.

It was almost as if my mind was at war with me. The only things I could think of to talk about were Jack and Lisa, and both were such tentative subjects that I wasn't going backtrack to them. As soon as Ianto sat down I reached over and grasped his hand again. He startled for a second then gently disengaged from my grip, before offering me a forced smile.

"You'll have to let me know if my cooking is all right. I mean...I don't exactly follow written recipes. Most of the dishes I know I learnt from Lisa..."

Either he realised he was babbling or he knew I saw through his smokescreen because his voice trailed away quickly.

For a moment, he closed his eyes as he reached up and rubbed his fingers on the bridge of his nose, before running his whole hand down his face. Once his eyes opened and settled on mine, I knew he was finally ready to talk.

He started as we began to eat and just kept going. What was odd was that he hadn't gone for his time with Torchwood One, but back to his childhood. I learnt all about his sister, how his mother died, and how his father once broke his leg. Long after we had finished eating, he was still talking. I kept him going by bringing him coffee and just listening to everything he said, laughing with him and frowning when I could tell he was having a hard time explaining things. After I had put all the leftover food away and cleaned off the table, I took his hand leading him into his living room to sit on the couch.

It was strange to hear Ianto speak so much. I'd never heard him say more than a few sentences and they were normally in response to something that someone else had asked him. It was the oddest thing, like somewhere inside of him a dam had broken. He wouldn't stop until everything was completely out there.

Sometime around two in the morning he began to wind down. He still hadn't reached how his relationship with Jack had started, but I didn't think he was going to give me that much information anyway. I started to notice his words becoming more and more disjointed as he went along. It took me a few minutes to realise he was actually falling asleep. I started to stand up and Ianto grabbed my hand, looking up at me almost pleadingly.

"Can you stay Tosh? Please? I'll sleep on the couch and you can have my bed. I just...I'm not sure I can spend the night alone without having nightmares after some of the things I've talked about tonight..."

I blinked quickly, shaking my head lightly as I tried to get the image of Ianto's face from my mind. If this is what Jack had seen in him, I could completely understand why he'd started to let him in. Ianto was a lot more sensitive than I'd originally thought.

I smiled at Ianto and pulled him up from the couch, asking him where the bedroom was. When he pointed me in the right direction I began to lead him back towards it. I was almost amused when I felt Ianto freeze outside the door. I turned back towards him with a half smile on my face before approaching what I knew was going through his mind.

"Ianto, I'm going to ask you a question. You can be totally honest with me. I promise not to be offended at your answer." I said softly, squeezing his hand as I whispered.

"Are you sexually attracted to me _**at all**_?"

His cheeks reddened and he shook his head lightly.

"No Tosh, I'm sorry. It's not that you're _**not**_ beautiful, but..."

I chuckled and shook my head, hopefully dispelling whatever notion he was thinking. When he stared at me in confusion, I could tell he still didn't understand what I was trying to get through to him.

"What I'm trying to say Ianto, is that we can sleep in the same bed. Don't get me wrong, you're rather handsome, but you're not exactly my type _**either**_. As long as you have something I can sleep in, then we should have no problems. We'll just be two friends spending an innocent night in the same bed."

Ianto chuckled and released my hand, walking towards his wardrobe. He opened it and tossed some clothes towards me. They would be a little big on me, but more than comfortable enough. He pointed towards the bathroom, giving me an opportunity to change.

When I came back out, Ianto was already lying stiffly on the bed, above the covers. I bit back the laughter that threatened to come out and shook my head, climbing in next to him. When I glanced towards him he was lying there so tautly I thought he might actually pull a muscle.

"Ianto, would you please just get under the covers and relax. I'm exhausted and I don't want to take the time to convince you I'm that I'm _**not**_ going to tackle you. Just think of this as if you were sharing your bed with your sister, like you did a few times when you were younger."

It took Ianto a minute to realise that I really had been listening to him when he was talking earlier. For the first time I saw him give me a genuine smile. He slipped under the covers and turned towards me, still smiling. I was nearly asleep when I heard him whisper softly.

"Thank you for being a friend for me tonight Tosh."

TBC

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><p>AN: Well, as per normal, I'm not going to demand reviews or hold the story hostage if I don't get them. Don't get me wrong, I love every review that's left, but I write for enjoyment, not for what others can give me. :)<p>

I'm working on chapter 2 now and should be able to get it to my wonderful Beta soon...


	2. Chapter 2  Close Enough to Hurt Me

**Quick AN: I'm working on the chapters, I promise. I've got a lot of drama going on in my life and unfortunately RL does take priority over everything else. However, I am working on the stories. More on that at the end of this chapter.**

**Thanks to MamaRocks for an excellent Beta and some wonderful suggestions that made this chapter good enough for me to be satisfied with it. I seriously don't think you guys don't realise exactly how much you should be grateful for her. She pushes me and makes sure I'm working on the stories. She also makes it so much better with every suggestion she gives me (of which we have literally only disagreed on 2 things). She is the worlds _best_ Beta and one of the best friends I could have!**

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><p>Chapter 2 - Close Enough To Hurt Me<p>

At around five in the morning, at least according the soft glow from Ianto's alarm clock, I woke up with a jolt. I wasn't sure what had brought me awake but I was somewhat shocked to find my body practically draped over Ianto's. Sometime within the past few hours we'd managed to gravitate towards one another in our sleep. There was nothing overtly sexual about it (at least not from what I could feel of his body and definitely not from mine) and Ianto was still out cold. With my arm clutching him across his chest and my head nestled in the crook of his shoulder, it felt more as if my mind had decided to try to tether and protect him. I was amused that it had happened, especially with the height and muscle advantage he had over me.

My instinctive behaviour to protect him from his own disastrous actions was quite obviously futile or ironic, though I wasn't sure which. His emotional mind was at war with the strict discipline that he had been cultivating for a very long time. For all I knew he'd been training himself to handle all of the problems in his life with the same demeanour since he was a child.

Unfortunately, I was fairly certain that even he wasn't aware of how often his control would fade in wake of his emotions. I'd seen it myself barely two weeks prior when he'd hauled off and punched Jack. I don't think I'd ever witnessed Ianto even remotely angry before that night.

Right now, he was so far in the wellspring of despair that he wasn't even able to see how deep he'd fallen. My instinctive desire to protect him wasn't about to negate that fact no matter how much I tried. Eventually he was going to have to face the truth.

Still half asleep I started to pull away slowly, trying not to awaken him in the process. The moment I unclenched my arm and began to slide away, Ianto moaned and then whimpered aloud. The sound actually raised the hair on the back of my neck, sending chills down my spine. Either I really had been keeping the nightmares at bay, or he'd already been having them and that was what had pulled me from my slumber in the first place.

I listened to him for a few minutes as he woke up a bit more with each sound that escaped his lips. The cries worried me, sounding so much like he was trying to ward off something dark that had already been let into his soul, something he couldn't get rid of. As I stared at him I noticed several tears fall from the corner of his eyes and beads of sweat build up on his forehead.

Just as I was beginning to think about reaching over and shaking him conscious, he sat straight up in bed knocking me completely away while a harsh scream ripped from his throat. After a moment the sound seemed to catch, cutting off just as abruptly as it had started. His eyes shot around the room, panic evident in them as he took in his surroundings, his lungs drawing in air so fast that I thought he might actually hyperventilate. He began to shiver from the cold air when it hit his sweat soaked skin.

His gasping didn't cease at all as I shifted closer to him and tentatively reached for his hand. I had no idea how he was going to react to me but I knew I had to try something. He looked completely freaked out, almost as if he was still locked in whatever nightmare had gripped him. When my fingers slid over the back of his clenched fist, the first thing I noticed was how cold it was. I felt him startle for a moment before he hesitated and opened it to wrap his hand around mine. I saw him shudder and drop his head towards his chest, my eyes still not fully adjusted to the darkness did not allow me to distinguish the expression on his face.

His hand tightened its hold on mine and I heard him take a few calming breaths before turning towards me. I felt a shiver run down my spine as the strength of his grip brought an unsettling thought to mind. I struggled momentarily, a brief internal debate raging throughout me on whether or not I should invade his privacy.

Something about it just _**didn't**_ feel right.

It was only after I realised that Ianto had invited me in…that he'd practically begged me to stay over, when I knew I was right to worry. After all, he had to have known that I might see him in his most vulnerable state. Especially since his reactions suggested this had happened before…quite obviously many times.

"That's not the first time you've had a nightmare since you've been put on leave is it Ianto?"

Ianto drew in a deep breath of air, then let it out with a sardonic chuckle as he turned to look at me. My eyes were beginning to adjust to the limited moonlight that was coming through his window and suffusing throughout the room so I was actually able to see how pale he was. His temples were still wet from tears he'd cried while he'd been asleep, but it was the expression on his face that haunted me the most. His features were twisted with so much pain and heartache that I nearly wanted to burst out crying myself.

He stared into my eyes for a long time, so long in fact, that I was beginning to grow tired again. I may have even begun to drift off just sitting there next to him with our eyes locked together.

Then he pulled his legs up tight, resting his head on them as his gaze flickered away from mine and I heard him speak in a hushed tone. I had never quite heard his voice sound like this, with so many emotions coating it and making him almost hoarse. If I had to describe it for anyone, I would say it was a mixture of not only pain and aggravation, but a slight thread of panic as well. Almost as if he wasn't sure how I was going to react to what he was about to say.

"I've been having these bloody nightmares since the Cybermen showed up and Torchwood One came crashing down around me in a symphony of flames and screams. The dreams...they used to...well, they used to be ju-just about that day..." he closed his eyes briefly, perhaps realising he'd actually stuttered, and turned back just enough for me to see with the moonlight that he was trying (and failing) to fight back tears.

"All I can think about is how I _**begged**_ her to leave with me before it all went to hell. I tried everything I could but she wouldn't do it. She was so certain that Yvonne knew what she was doing and that the evil bitch wouldn't let it go too far. Then when things began to grow even worse she _**still**_ wouldn't leave! She was so bloody convinced that the_** fucking **_Doctor would jump in to save the day before anyone got hurt. She wouldn't listen to anything I said."

I reached out, brushing away a tear as it travelled down his cheek. His eyes shuttered closed, more drops falling from them when the lids met one another. He pushed my hand away gently and then in the total opposite of how he'd handled me, angrily brushed the rest of the tears away, rubbing hard at his cheeks. It was a useless gesture as they were already tapering off, his irises misty but the moisture no longer threatening to spill over.

"I'm just so...so bloody..."

I could tell from the look on his face that he had no idea how to describe what emotions were running through him. Unfortunately, I knew them quite well. I'd felt them _**every single time**_ my mother was mentioned or brought up by someone in the family, or someone who didn't know what I had done.

Once you've committed treason to save someone you love, you never forget the feelings that go with it.

"You're angry at her...and because of that fury, that absolute rage that courses through your veins, you feel guilty and ashamed that you couldn't save her. But more than anything, even more than your _**anger**_, you also blame her because she wouldn't listen to you. You blame her because _**you know**_ for a fact that she put herself into that position. Am I right?"

Ianto nodded in response to my question, his eyebrows furrowing before turning towards me again, his head once more resting on his knees. But there was something else there as well. He was also looking at me strangely, almost as if he'd never really seen me before. I honestly wasn't sure if he was going to tell me what was going through his mind, or even what he dreamt about. I could tell he was curious, that he wanted to deflect and was going to ask how I knew, but I shook my head gently as he opened his mouth to speak.

A part of me was relieved to see him like this. For the first time this night I was viewing him and the way he was _**actually**_ handling things. I knew that anger was a normal part of one of the healing process. I was fairly certain that whatever his dreams were, they were also helping him release a part of those emotions. Ianto had held so much inside, so much pain and unsurety for the past few months. Then out of virtually nowhere his entire life plan had disappeared within hours.

In an instant he'd lost everything and practically everyone he'd loved and trusted.

It was almost reassuring to see the mask that had covered his emotions all night crumble. It was as if it was an affirmation of his capability to move on. There was a chance, however small it may seem, that he just might make it through this and end up stronger then before it had all happened.

Now I was seeing him without those barriers and I knew without a doubt that Ianto had been hiding behind a façade. Everything about the way he was reacting now was proving to me that he was deeply hurting. No matter how much he tried to hide it from the rest of the world, he was no longer trying to hide it from me. Apparently this past night has somehow assured Ianto that the tentative friendship we had been building over the past few months could now be relied upon. It was almost reassuring to know that I had somehow managed to make it into the small circle of people that Ianto trusted. I wasn't about to threaten that by pointing out some of the realities that he was obviously still refusing to admit to.

I sighed with relief, not realizing until that moment exactly how much I hated that cover that he'd held onto so tightly. I'd settle for what he was giving me now. Maybe another day I would lead him to those other truths. What really made me worry was how much Ianto was blaming himself for everything. He wasn't just taking responsibility for what had happened the night at the Hub, but it was as if he truly believed that he was to blame for every horror he'd experienced in his life as well.

"Why do you blame yourself for every part of it Ianto? You say you tried everything to get her out of there. If she didn't pay attention to you then it was _**her**_ fault for not listening."

Ianto actually snorted and shook his head as he heard my words. Obviously this was something he disagreed with me on. I didn't know if it was just because it was so ingrained in his mind at this point or if he just couldn't believe otherwise, but his thoughts were just so damaging.

"Most of the time, when I think back, I can barely recall what happened that day. I only remember bits and pieces...like shots from a movie that I didn't pay much attention to coming back to me out of sequence. From the time after, when I was calling for help and trying to get Lisa out of there, the memories come back more fractured...sort of like broken glass that I'm trying to piece back together."

I saw his eyes close as a grimace passed quickly over his features. The smile that came to his lips was frighteningly grisly. If I had been paying better attention or been more awake I may have been able to see an echo of his personality that he kept hidden from the rest of us. Perhaps, the part of him that he used to hide behind his pain. When he spoke again, it took everything inside of me to not react to the gravelly quality of his voice.

"However, there are two moments in time that I remember with absolute clarity from that day. The first is how something inside of me just knew we were in trouble. I remember closing my eyes and rubbing them, trying to rid myself of the pictures that had suddenly been forced into my mind. Even with all that bloody psychic training I had received, I'd _**never**_ before experienced anything like it. I saw it begin..._**before it happened**_."

Ianto's eyes opened suddenly as he straightened his spine and stared at me almost fearfully. I knew what was running through his mind. We'd all seen the pamphlets that were handed out to most Torchwood employees about psychic abilities and how the person should be taken and studied. It took me a moment to react, knowing that Jack would never put Ianto into such a situation.

Torchwood Three _**was**_ different. Ianto had either forgotten that fact, or hadn't paid enough attention in the time he'd spent there to realise just how much Jack ignored most of the '_normal_' rules. He may follow the motto of '_If it's alien, it's ours_' but he didn't maltreat someone for abilities they may or may not have.

I reached out and took Ianto's hand again, cradling it softly within both of my own. I could only hope that Ianto would actually listen when I softly whispered to him.

"Ianto, you should know by now that you don't have to worry about that when it comes to Jack. If you don't want to...er, tell him, I'll keep it quiet. I promise."

I gripped his hand tightly and leant forward so he could hopefully see the sincerity in my eyes through the darkness. I tried to keep my voice steady as I continued on, knowing he craved the reassurance, but also needing to hear the rest of what he was going through.

"However, you may want to tell him someday Ianto. At least so he knows what type of training you've been through. We didn't find anything like that in your file and I'm not sure if that was a good or bad sign. But please...please keep going. I really think you need to continue with what happened. It may help you get a better nights rest in the future if you talk about this."

Ianto sighed, relaxing back against his headboard with obvious relief and gripped my hand tightly. I could tell that the longer he was awake, the easier it was for him to distance himself from his original disorientation. Unfortunately for me, I was beyond exhausted, but I forced myself to stay alert, knowing he needed to talk. He straightened his legs, stretching them out and pulling me to sit next to him against the headboard, still holding my hand as he went back to talking about what had happened.

"Well...after I saw _**that**_ in my mind...I just knew we had to get out of there. I left everyone in the room and just took off running towards Lisa's department. I knew that I _**had**_ to get her out."

Ianto sighed again, another strange expression crossing his features as he drew in a deep breath and glanced at me askance. I'm not sure why he was so hesitant when he'd already told me he was practically bloody psychic but for some reason whatever he had to say next, seemed to be harder. Almost as if he thought I wouldn't believe him.

"The second and only other thing I remember with clarity was, in a sense, actually meeting the Doctor. When they'd gone by our office earlier, everyone in there had run to the door to see him...including me, but he hadn't even bothered to glance our way. However, while I was on my way to Lisa, I suddenly _**had**_ to stop because I'd spotted Yvonne walking down the hallway with the Doctor. Their distance gave me just enough time to compose myself and pretend as if I wasn't panicking over something no one else knew about. It was so strange. I mean..."

Ianto stopped, his voice trailing away with confusion. I nudged his shoulder with my own and he turned towards me, the moonlight highlighting his face so that I could actually see the puzzlement reflected in his eyes. His eyebrows drew together and I could sense that this was something he struggled with, even to this day.

"...the moment the Doctor saw me in that hallway, he stared at me so intensely that I began to grow uncomfortable. I thought that maybe he could tell I had sensed the danger we were about to be in. But the way he was looking at me wasn't like he knew I had this secret. He was actually staring at _**me**_ with confusion."

I heard Ianto chuckle acerbically before drawing in another deep breath to continue.

"He had these stupid bloody 3-D glasses that he was holding tightly in his fist, but when he looked at me he nearly dropped them. It was almost as if...well, as if he knew _**me**_. When they walked past where I was standing, he kept his eyes locked on mine and I could almost _**swear**_ he started to reach over and grab me...or something to that effect. I don't know why, but I felt my own hand start to reach out as well. I was just barely able to rein it in, only realising and pulling it back a second before I made contact. The moment they were out of sight I felt my legs give out and I collapsed against the wall behind me."

His eyes bored deeply into my own again before he spoke in a soft almost lilting voice.

"It _**is**_ my fault Tosh. I may blame her in my mind, but in my heart I know the blame really rests solely on me. If it hadn't taken me so bloody long to get my senses back after the Doctor knocked them so off kilter or if I had only been able to convince her..."

Ianto shook his head suddenly, his eyes staring out the window as he held up his free hand in surrender.

"Before that incident in the hallway, I was just as enamoured by him as everyone else. After that incident, the very instant he was gone, I knew that I _**never**_ wanted to see him again. I spent nearly five minutes just sitting there trying to figure why he had stared at me and acted so...so strangely. All that time...wasted, when I should have just kept running and dragged her out. I should have done _**anything**_ I could."

Ianto shuddered, his voice dropping to a whisper. I could tell that he was growing tired again, despite the fact that we still hadn't fully discussed his nightmares. I vaguely remembered him stating that these were just the ones from _**before**_ the night that Lisa took over the Hub, which meant that there were obviously other dreams tormenting him now.

"I had no idea what was going to happen and only brief flashes of the trouble that was about to start. I knew the Doctor's reputation."

I grasped his hand tighter and nudged against his shoulder again, trying to smile soothingly as I faced him. I knew that the light from the window was behind me, but hopefully his eyes had adjusted by now enough to see it.

"Jack has always been so disconnected and supportive of that bloody man, but to me he's the embodiment of everything that's wrong in the world."

I felt the smile disappear from my face quickly as those words came from his lips. I'd met an earlier incarnation of the Doctor myself and I hadn't had nearly the traumatic experience that Ianto had. Still, even though he was (and wasn't) the same man Ianto met, I got the feeling that he didn't really instigate situations. It was more that he just had bad luck himself when it came to what time period he was landing in.

I closed my eyes for a moment in order to compose myself hoping that the darkness of the room would cover my reaction. Unfortunately, the sky had actually begun to lighten up so the best I could really hope for was that he wouldn't be looking directly at me. After all, I knew if I brought my opinion into this conversation, Ianto would probably close himself right out of it.

When I opened my eyes I realised I needn't have worried. Ianto was yawning dazedly while his fingers rubbed hard against his eyelids. Apparently our limited amount of sleep was beginning to catch up to him the same way it was hitting me.

"Ever since that night, the nightmares have alternated. Sometimes I'm at Canary Wharf and sometimes it's the Hub. The dreams in the Hub _**always**_ involve Lisa using one of you lot as her new body. Most often Jack, but everyone's played a part...even Suzie. That one doesn't so much scare me as make me madder at both of them for being weak, traitorous, or just plain stubborn. But it replays over and over in my dreams, each time changing as I try to fix it and get it right just _**one**_ time."

Ianto sighed, laying back down as he turned away from me. Obviously he was done talking.

I didn't mind all that much. Three hours of sleep does not make for a good night's rest. It was only as I was lying back down that I heard Ianto muttering. His voice was low as if he was trying to make sure I didn't hear it or he wasn't realising he was actually speaking aloud. Nonetheless, I heard him quite clearly.

"Just _**one**_ fucking time...is that too much to ask from you, you bloody idiotic brain in my head?"

I smiled to myself and rolled over towards Ianto, spooning up behind him. He tensed momentarily, then relaxed into the embrace. Once more I felt the irony of my mind's instinct to try to protect him. If I could just help him accept it, if only Jack would see Ianto for who he actually was, if, if, if...

There were just too many factors right now that weren't being taken into account. I definitely wasn't a therapist, but I knew Ianto needed more help than even he might be willing to admit to.

TBC

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><p><strong>AN: Just to let everyone know, I really haven't forgotten about this fic or the sequel to Anticipation. I'm even more determined to get them working especially since I saw Torchwood: Miracle Day. I can honestly say that was the absolute worst series of Torchwood that I'd ever seen. No offence to anyone who actually liked it, but I seriously didn't...<strong>

**Anyway, just to let you know I have been working on these for a while and I was having issues with this and Chapter 3 sounding right in my mind. I finally sent it to my wonderful Beta, MamaRocks and she told me I was over analyzing it...lol. So I'm nearly done with Chapter 3 and will hopefully get it to MamaRocks as soon as possible.**


	3. Chapter 3  The Edge of the Unknown

**AN: **Okay, don't kill me. The thing is, I actually uploaded this to the site about a week ago but my computer decided to completely crash on me. I had to buy a new graphic card and then completely reformat it. Thankfully I backed up everything, but in all the fracas I forgot to even post this chapter!

Anyways, I definitely need to thank mama rocks. She helped me an extreme amount on this chapter considering that both this and Chapter 2 were sent to her twice because I wasn't sure about them. But she convinced me they were a lot better then I originally thought they were! So thank you. I think a lot of you folks just don't know how much she pushes me and makes sure I'm working on this story and how much better she makes every single chapter! mama rocks, you are really one of my bright shining lights in this life and definitely one of my best friends as well as the worlds best BETA! :) So, this chapter is for both mama rocks and MAVERICKGUY23. Maverickguy23, you've become a great friend in the little time since I've begun to talk to you and I just know you'll love this dedication (grin). :)**  
><strong>

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><p>Chapter 3 - The Edge of the Unknown<p>

I'll be the first to admit that I am _**not**_ a morning person at all.

To everyone on the team it might seem as if I was because when I get to work I'm awake, alert, and probably look like I'm ready to tackle both the digital and extraterrestrial world. What they don't know is that usually by the time I've gotten to my desk I've had at least two cups of coffee (of my own making) and a snack of some sort. Basically just enough to hold me over until Ianto comes in and orders food for us. For the past few weeks I'd been showing up starving and having to settle for things like one to two day old pastries or microwave hot pockets covered in a severe case of frostbite.

Therefore I wasn't at all surprised the sound of my stomach rumbling woke me up, especially considering how much the smell of coffee and food was permeating the air. When I opened my eyes, rubbing gently to disperse the sleep from them, I ended up staring around the sparse room with slight disorientation. It took me quite a few minutes to realise exactly where I was. I wasn't really accustomed to waking up in strange places. After all, I didn't exactly have Owen or Jack's penchant for going out every night just to try to shag some random stranger.

Well...Jack's tendency _**before**_ Ianto entered his life.

Hell, considering the last time I had any type of action was when I managed to get Owen to kiss me at Christmastime, it was pretty understandable.

As I got out of bed, I rubbed half-heartedly at my back, out of sheer habit. Apparently Ianto had a better mattress than mine because I was actually feeling rested. It was only after I looked at the clock that I realised why. I had managed to sleep for nearly ten hours!

Jack was probably freaking out and trying to figure out where I was. I picked up my mobile off the bedside table, fully intending to let him know I'd be in as soon as possible when I saw the light flashing indicating I had a message. When I opened it up I was surprised to see a conversation already in progress.

_TOSHIKO:__Hi__ Jack.__I__'__m__ not __going __to __be __in __until __later.__Is __that __all __right?  
>JACK: Sure Tosh. How was he when you saw him?<br>TOSHIKO: How was who? Ianto?  
>JACK: Of course Ianto. Who else would I be asking about?<br>TOSHIKO: He's fine Jack.  
>JACK: Fine?<br>TOSHIKO: You don't need to pretend that...  
>TOSHIKO: He's fine Jack. Leave it at that.<br>JACK: Tosh, even you know better, especially after our discussion yesterday.  
>TOSHIKO: It doesn't matter. I was just messaging you to say I was going to be late.<br>|[JACK is typing a message]  
>TOSHIKO: Jack?<br>JACK: Ok_

I nearly laughed aloud at the whole conversation. Jack should have known better than to think I would talk to him that way after all the conversations we'd had about Ianto already. Who knows? Maybe he had found the password and viewed those videos, or it was possible that he thought I was just having a bad morning. Either way, I was fairly certain that Ianto had found out more than he'd bargained for when he'd first sent Jack that message and pretended to be me. I debated a few seconds and then went back to my mobile, typing out the only response I could think of.

_TOSHIKO: Don't worry Jack. I'll be there later and we can talk about him then if you want. Is that all right?  
>JACK: Ok<br>[conversation ends] _

As I stood up, yawning and stretching, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe Jack had figured out that Ianto was the one on the other side of the discussion. When I checked the timestamp on the chat I noticed that nearly twenty minutes had passed since he'd sent his last message. It was obvious that either Jack had guessed at what was up or he'd forgotten that he had the messaging screen open. I wasn't quite sure what he would say if he **had** figured it out, but I was fairly certain that I would learn the truth later.

I started to walk out of the bedroom and stopped suddenly as another thought occurred to me. Ianto clearly had some new information about how Jack felt about him. I had no idea what type of mood I was going to find him in once I left this room and I wasn't sure I could handle any more drama without having a cup of coffee first.

Apparently I needn't have worried. When I walked out into the kitchen Ianto smiled shyly, if not a tad guiltily, when he glanced at me. His eyes widened for a moment when he caught sight of my mobile as I placed it on the table, but I ignored his reaction and smiled back at him.

"Dinner and breakfast Ianto? If I'd known it would be this easy to get you to cook for me I'd have slept with you the day we met."

The words had barely left my lips before Ianto laughed loudly, making me realise the implications of what I'd just said and how unorthodox it must have come across.

The sound of it actually threw me off kilter making me wonder if I'd ever _**really**_ heard him laugh before. I stared at him, almost in wonderment. He had such a beautiful voice and the baritone of it ensconced his laugh to an almost sexy quality. If I had any reservations before about what Jack saw in Ianto, just the sound of his laughter would have thrown all my doubts away. There was no way in hell that Jack could have resisted him.

Of course, once I remembered what had caused his laughter I felt heat rush over my face as I began to blush. Jack has _**obviously**_ been a bad influence on him.

"Er...well, you know what I meant! At the very least I would've come over a few mornings to pick you up for work."

Ianto smiled, still chuckling lightly under his breath as he turned away from me. I had just enough comprehension to notice that he had obviously been up for a while. His hair was still slightly damp from the shower. When he turned back towards me I couldn't help but observe how bright his eyes looked. I think I may have actually gasped at how much of a difference it made. It took me a second in my half-awake daze to realise it was the clothes he was wearing that changed his complexion so drastically. Not only was it probably the most casual outfit I've ever seen him in, but the colour of his jumper was almost the exact same shade as his irises. Added to the dark blue jeans he was wearing and I could honestly say he was sexy as hell.

I turned away from his questioning gaze realising that just because I knew he wasn't attracted to me didn't mean I was immune to him in the same way. I could honestly say that I really didn't want to shag him, but I certainly _**understood**_ the inclination.

Of course, it could have just been all those bloody CCTV videos I'd watched.

I was surprised enough to look back at him when he slipped a steaming mug of coffee into my hands before I could even ask for it. I sat down and smiled up at him before he turned back towards the stove to adjust the heat under a pan. The food smelled just as heavenly as it had the night before, but this time I could actually tell that Ianto was cooking some type of eggs...perhaps an omelette of some sort.

After a few sips of what tasted like ambrosia, especially compared to the horrible cafe coffee we'd been drinking lately, I was finally able to focus a little more clearly.

Apparently Ianto had been up a lot longer than I first realised. I glanced around the open areas of his loft and couldn't help furrowing my brow in concern. Nearly every single box was gone, leaving the place looking more barren than it should. There were barely any personal effects lying around to indicate that anyone actually inhabited the place. If someone broke into it I was quite certain they'd probably walk right back out thinking no one lived there.

In fact, the only thing still left out was the box I'd brought him the night before. It was sitting on the back edge of the table almost reverently. I vaguely remembered that it hadn't been all that heavy, but for some reason I had a strange feeling that the contents were a lot more precious than he was willing to let on. I just didn't think he would've risked calling and asking me to bring it to him if I it _**wasn**__**'**__**t**_ important.

It was odd but that one box actually made me more uncomfortable then the slew of them that had been crowding the rooms the night before. I stared at it, still slowly waking up as Ianto quietly moved throughout the kitchen.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn back towards me, his eyes drawn to the same place as mine. He sighed before walking over to the box and opening it. I jumped back, startled because...well, I was surprised that he was actually willing to show me the contents. Though I have to admit a part of me actually thought something was going to jump out at me.

The things he ended up pulling out actually shocked me more than if something _**had**_ jumped out at me. First, there were several framed photographs of the team. A few of them featured Jack and himself, but I was stunned to see several that were actually shots that had been taken of Owen, Gwen, me, and even a couple with Suzie.

At some point, Ianto had obviously gotten attached to the team, even though he hadn't wanted to.

Ianto pulled out one and handed it to me carefully with a small smile on his lips. When I glanced down at it I felt my eyes open wide with astonishment. Just like all of the others, it was a simple capture from CCTV. However, my reaction was based more on the fact that it showed the two of us huddled together next to my station, very obviously finding ourselves amused at something. Owen and Suzie were both in the background with disgusted looks on their faces and after a moment I actually remembered the day this had taken place.

Owen had made some kind of sarcastic comment about a tea boy and Ianto had muttered 'c_achu __bant__ti __cachu __mes__'_ under his breath, just loud enough for me to hear. I may not know nearly as many languages as Ianto but I was accustomed to some forms of welsh swearing. Hearing Ianto telling Owen '_Fuck__ off __you __sheep-shagger__' _in a language I was quite certain he didn't understand,had caught me completely off guard.

I don't think he expected me to understand what he'd said until he'd glanced at my shocked face. It hadn't taken more than a second for both of us to burst out laughing. It was only once we'd tapered down on our amusement that he realised Suzie had obviously heard him as well and explained to Owen what it meant.

Owen had been a complete arsehole to Ianto for the rest of the day. However, every time Ianto had caught my eye or come near me, I would find myself beginning to chuckle as I remembered it. That in turn would make him smile or chuckle as well. I could completely understand why he'd liked this screenshot after how much amusement we'd found in the situation that day.

After the photographs, he began to pull out other small things that on any other occasion would seem highly unusual. As it was I had to struggle against laughter when I saw him reveal a stuffed Pteranodon (which the moment I saw, I knew I needed to get the story behind _**that**_), a pair of scissors that looked remarkably like the ones from my station (yet couldn't be, because mine were still in their proper place), and a small metal ring, that if I wasn't mistaken, probably should have been in the archives.

I wasn't about to question him about it, but I _**did**_ pick up the ring, running my finger along the raised ridges on the outside of it as he stepped away from the table, obviously tending to breakfast again. I looked up to make sure he was busy before I really began to delve into what I held in my hands. Ianto was busy enough...first in sliding some food on to two separate plates and then filling up the sink to drop the dirty pans that he'd used to cook breakfast with. I took it as a good sign that he wouldn't notice what I was doing for at least a few minutes as he watched the sink fill up with water and bubbles.

It gave me precious little time to study the small silver ring, but I wasn't exactly going to waste it.

The thing was very obviously alien. I could see some strange writing on the inside, but I found myself ignoring it in favour of trying to figure out why the silver sheen seemed off. When I held it up to the light at different angles the whole spectrum of colours would shine off it, almost like a crystal prism. What was even stranger is that I could feel the ring's presence, almost as if it was a living creature. It was literally calling out to me to slide it onto my finger, but I resisted it...just barely.

The problem was, this small ring actually reminded me of something else I'd seen in the archives but I couldn't quite place my finger on what it was (no pun intended). For the life of me, I honestly couldn't figure out why Ianto had it in his possession in the first place. Even though I thought I knew Ianto well enough by now to know he wouldn't, I seriously wondered if he _**had**_ taken it from the archives.

Then again...for all I knew Ianto could have had actually had the damn thing forever.

As he turned back to me holding a plate in each hand I saw a flash of panic run over his face. It was there and gone by the time I could even acknowledge the peculiarity of his reaction. Before I could study it any further, Ianto slid a plate in front of me and smiled sardonically as he took the ring from my hands. I had no idea what that particular smile was about, but even if I had wanted to find out, he very carefully distracted me by also handing me a full cup of coffee. I hadn't even realised he'd taken the mug back from me in the first place.

I was more interested in the fleeting look of alarm that I'd seen on his face.

The moment he turned around I peeked into the box to see if there was anything else he hadn't pulled out. Call it morbid curiosity, but something inside of me just couldn't resist. When I did I was almost glad I had checked. There was a picture of Jack, also a CCTV capture, but it was one that nearly made **me** weak in the knees. In the picture, Jack was staring at Ianto as he walked away. The heat and lust exuding from eyes could have been a trick of the light, but what I could see more than anything was that thread of humanity showing clearly through, his eyes reflected a very obvious emotion that shouldn't have been there, at least not from the way he acted a lot of the time.

What was ironic was that I had actually seen this shot in one of the videos I'd saved on Jack's computer. I'd saved a lot more than he realised and I was sure that once he got that file open (if he hadn't already) he was going to find more than he bargained for. In almost every video that didn't involve some form of sex, you could clearly see how often their eyes were drawn to one another. It _**never**_ failed, always seeming as if the instant Jack turned away, Ianto's gaze would lock on him with a look of mixed adoration, flat out lust, and slight confusion.

I had never really understood the confusion until I found out about Lisa. Once she appeared, there was a lot about Ianto that made so much more sense. I remember very clearly how much relief had gone through me when I had finally found out the truth. Despite how much tragedy that we had all gone through that night, that brief moment of respite was something I actually felt a little guilty about. At the time, the walls practically had been falling down around us and I felt as if I'd uncovered the greatest of all secrets.

Ianto reached across his table and gently pulled the picture from me. Apparently I was holding onto it rather tightly and he appeared to be a little worried that it would get damaged. I let go of it quickly, just barely aware of the soft chuckle I heard from Ianto as he replaced it with a fork. I automatically began to eat what I rightly guessed as an omelette (one of the best I'd ever had).

"Do you think he's even aware when he lets that happen in range of the CCTV?" I heard Ianto say softly beside me before he took a small bite from his own plate.

The question startled me. I wasn't sure what he was talking about. What I saw in that picture wasn't exactly what others might have seen. I stopped eating and looked directly at him, only to find him staring down at his own plate, twirling his fork absently like he was eating pasta instead of an omelette.

"Let's what happen? The times when he stares at you like he wants to throw you down on the nearest bed?" I said without thinking.

I don't think it would have been possible for my face to flush any redder than the moment those words left my mouth. I tried to cover my embarrassment by continuing to eat, only to realise I'd failed the moment that I heard Ianto chuckle again. I looked up, catching his eyes for the first time since he'd taken the ring from me, in this instance finding him gazing at me almost shyly, a blush covering his cheeks probably as badly as mine.

It only took a few seconds before we both burst out laughing, full throated and loudly. Ianto shook his head as our mirth began to taper out and went back to his breakfast, eating it a little more enthusiastically. I began to take small bites, still flicking my gaze over to him every now and then. It didn't take more than a few seconds for him to realise that I was still waiting for him to answer my questions.

I heard him chuckle again, this time so low that it almost sounded like a moan. The tone of it made me sit up straighter as I studied his expression. There was something there that I couldn't figure out, something I knew he was still keeping from me. I don't know if it really was about that picture, but he definitely seemed to be hoping I wouldn't notice that he wasn't actually laughing. His reaction was more of gentle distraction, as if he was trying to hide the obvious nervousness that was practically coming off him in waves.

I finally managed to catch his gaze again only to see him falter as he opened and closed his mouth almost comically. I waited patiently, vaguely realising that if both of us continued to stop eating every time we got uncomfortable with a topic, we were never going to finish our breakfast. Ianto placed his fork softly on top of his plate and turned towards me, grasping my only empty hand lightly. Our eyes locked and I saw him visibly shudder as a shade of what had to be paranoia flashed through his irises.

"I meant..."

He closed his eyes for a split second and drew in a deep breath and letting it out as an exasperated sigh. I could see his mouth form a word silently, quite certain it was actually '_fuck_' but the tension in his body eased away as his resolve faltered. He was clearly about to say something to me that he wasn't sure I would understand. After everything we'd gone through in the past day, I was a little curious about what he would have to say that he thought I would take the wrong way. His eyes opened suddenly as he stared hard at me, uncertainty very apparent on his face.

"I mean... when he actually looks like he cares about anything _**other**__** than**_ Torchwood. It's almost like he refuses to admit he's a part of the world. He tries hard to cut himself off from it, but every now and again, I see something there. Something I'm not even sure he realises he's feeling. It's not the lust because we both know that is just standard behaviour for him. It's something..."

Ianto paused as if struggling to find the right words. He apparently wasn't able to think of anything better because he shrugged lightly and pulled his hand away.

"It's something else. I don't know how to describe it any better than that."

With every word he spoke, I felt my own eyes open wider and wider. I had honestly thought I was only one to see that humanity in Jack. Apparently Ianto paid a hell of a lot more attention than everyone gave him credit for. He was extremely observant, even possibly more so than I.

Though I was starting to realise his instincts came from another factor entirely. I was also beginning to grasp that Jack really had no idea how perceptive Ianto actually was. He definitely didn't know about his psychic abilities, probably because Ianto had been hiding them so well for such a long time.

However, even on that level I wasn't completely convinced that was the answer.

We finished the rest of our breakfast in silence as I pondered Ianto's words. From the moment I'd met Ianto, I had never once thought of the intricacy of the actions he performed. It was almost as if there was some sort of perception field around him, causing you not to look too closely at him, or at whatever he said. Anyone looking in from an outside perspective probably wouldn't even think of Ianto as considerably complex. But I think once they spent time with him, a lot of people would find their original assessment to be way off base.

I know I was starting to realise that I had questions where Ianto was concerned, and this seemed to be a more natural occurrence then I'd at first suspected it to be. Just from the past few hours alone I could actually say that Ianto puzzled me more than I liked to admit. He was like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, and surrounded by nothing but answers to questions that no one knew to ask. I had barely touched the surface of how complicated his mind was, and I could only base that on what he actually told me or the things I could see for myself.

Without a doubt, where Ianto was concerned, Jack was definitely in over his head.

I was even starting to think I may be getting myself in too deep. Especially if I followed the path I was setting us all on. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to be his friend, much less someone who could save him from himself.

The problem was...I didn't think Jack was going to be able to help him either. Ianto was at an impasse in his life and he was actually going to have to be his own saviour, something I was fairly certain he didn't know how to do. I just couldn't stop wondering if he'd been taking care of other people for so long, that he had forgotten, or maybe never even known, how to take care of his own emotional needs.

Once we stopped talking (and both drifted off into our own thoughts) we actually finished eating breakfast rather quickly. I knew I had to go to my place to get cleaned up and change clothes but I was loathe to leave Ianto yet. There was still something bothering me about the way he had managed to practically empty his loft of everything within a matter of hours. I figured he had probably placed it in the extra bedroom I'd noticed a door for, but I couldn't figure out _**why**_ he'd put them away. There were obviously items in those boxes that helped him connect to the world, but instead of unpacking them, he'd locked them tightly away. It just reminded me too much of the way he kept handling his emotions and it made me completely uncomfortable.

I heard Ianto sigh as he reached out and grabbed the plate from in front of me. We'd both finished eating nearly ten minutes ago but we still hadn't said a word. It was only as Ianto turned away that I heard him finally speak.

"I'm sorry Tosh."

His voice was a mere whisper, so quiet, in fact, that I stared at him, trying to shape out exactly what he'd said. When I did manage to work the words in my mind, I struggled to figure out _**why**_ he'd said them. I couldn't think of a single reason that he would need to apologise to me for.

I stared into his eyes questioningly until he turned away and placed the plates gently into the sink full of soapy water. When he turned back towards me he must have seen the confusion still evident in my expression. He walked over to me slowly and picked up my mobile, handing it to me with that same guilty look I'd seen earlier and it suddenly came to me.

"I'm apologising for pretending to be you in those messages. I just...well I thought you might like some sleep. Especially since I kept you up half the bloody night with my insane rambling..."

I interrupted him before he could get further into his obviously self-loathing rant. I really didn't want to forget the way he'd opened up to me and I had a feeling he was regretting the messaging more because of Jack's response.

"It's all right Ianto. We both know that Jack can be a little obsessive when one of us doesn't show up when we're supposed to, so it's really not a big issue."

I stood up, intending to go get dressed back into my own clothes, so I could go home and then to work, when I just barely heard Ianto mumbling over the dishes he was now scrubbing in the sink. It hadn't occurred to me to ask him why he wasn't using his dishwasher, but I finally figured it out when I saw him scouring each item as if it had offended him personally. He apparently needed something to take out his aggression on.

"So bloody sorry...you have no fucking clue..."Ianto muttered as he attacked another plate with a scrub brush.

I nearly laughed but, much like the night before, I honestly don't think he realised how loud he was actually being. Instead of commenting I went back to his bedroom to change into my clothes from the day before. When I came back out with everything gathered, I found Ianto sitting on his sofa with the telly on, but muted. He jumped up as soon as he saw me, smiling with more fastidiousness than I'd seen the entire night. He had to have known that I would see through this false facade he was putting up, especially after I'd seen those walls drop last night. Yet here he was, pretending that everything was just fine where he was concerned. It was like he'd become redundant in his emotions and I had no bloody idea how to knock it out of him.

"C-can you maybe..."

Once again I found myself fighting against laughter, but this time I even had to taper back a smile that was trying to fight its way out. I don't think he even knew how bloody adorable he got when he was nervous, especially when he got this '_lost__ little __boy __look_' on his face. I fought for as long as possible but the sight of those bright blue eyes peering through his eyelashes caused the smile to appear against my will. He smiled back at me, all appearances of nervousness suddenly gone from his demeanour.

"Er...could you please give my regards to Jack and maybe say hello to Owen and Gwen for me?"

I nodded my head, reaching out without realising what I was doing and ruffling his hair like the little boy he reminded me of in that moment.

"I'll be glad to Ianto. I promise."

As I began to walk towards the door a thought suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't realised until that moment. Even now, after this night, I knew that Ianto wouldn't call me again unless I told him to. He was too guarded to allow it to happen.

"You'll call me if you need anything right Ianto? Even if it's just for me to come over and spend some time together with you?"

He nodded quietly in response, a soft smile playing about his lips.

I felt much better as I studied his features, able to tell that, for once, he was actually responding to my question without hesitating or thinking it over first. With a wave of my hand I turned and left his loft, laughing out loud as soon as I hit the stairwell. I couldn't wait to see the look on Jack's face when I gave him Ianto's greeting.

And I planned on saying it exactly the same way Ianto had told me...

TBC

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><p>AN: The next chapter may take a few weeks to even get to my wonderful BETA. Hopefully I can get it to her soon, but I've got quite a few doctors appointments coming up so I'm not sure. It might be another month before you see the next chapter, but I am going to at least TRY to get back to a regular posting schedule. Something like one chapter a month.<p>

Just a reminder, I won't hold any of my stories hostage if you decide not to give me feedback. Though I will tell you all that I do appreciate and love every time someone offers some! However, it's not required. I know how hard it is to find time or the right words sometimes. ;)


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